|Ultimate Bowl I
February 1, 2004
|1. It begins
On January 25, 2004, without any evident provocation, noted Village hothead Bill Love issues a proclamation which reads in part:
"To get the competitive juicing flowing before watching Superbowl XXXVIII we are going to have a special first annual Pelham vs. Pelham Manor game at Memorial Field on Sunday, February 1 @ 3pm. All Pelham Manor residents will, if they have the courage to even show up, face off against the much more talented and smarter Pelham residents..."
2. The tension rises...
In the days that follow, Love and his fellow Villagers disseminate other emails asserting, among other things, that Manor residents are "rats", and questioning their masculinity. Having been inadvertently lost, the exact content of these communications is unavailable. No great loss.
3. "I can't stands no more"
Faced with these intolerable provocations, the Manor responds on January 29 as follows:
"Sunday will witness Ultimate Bowl I; the devilish contrivance of a small coterie of Pelham Village residents who evidently feel that there isn't enought hatred and divisivness in the world. Their brilliant plan: turn neighbor against neighbor in a Pelham v. Pelham Manor Ultimate match. Speaking on behalf of the entirely pacific assemblage which is likely to constitute the Manor team, I am compelled to make a couple of observations:
The first is that it is, let us say, suspicious that this event has been scheduled for a date when the heart and soul of the Manor team, Gregg Hano, is unavailable owing to a ski trip to Aspen CO. While I'm not saying that this "prior engagemnet" was arranged by a bunch of win-at-any-cost Villagers, I'm not not-saying it either, if you know what I mean. We will carry on as best as we can without "Shoeless Gregg".
My second observation is that while it's generally too early to project post-season honors, it seems like a lock that the "All-Litigation" Team will have a heavy Village representation. Led by Hugh "I'm just asking what the rule is" Osborn, Ben "he was out!" Weiser and Bill "never met a jostle that wasn't a foul" Love, the villagers seem to have a huge advantage in this particular "skill".
My third, and final, observation is in the form of a warning. If the Charles Bronson oeuvre taught us anything, it taught us to beware the anger of a peaceful man who's pushed too far. We didn't seek this fight. We didn't contrive to make it unfair. In describing it, we didn't say "Pelham Manor residents will, if they have the courage to even show up, face off against the much more talented and smarter Pelham residents", nor did we refer to our neighbors as "rats deserting a sinking ship", or for that matter, question their masculinity. No, all we did was offer the hand of fellowship to the people who did these things. Well, enough's enough. Words are insufficient to express the rage which has been kindled in the breasts of all Manor Residents, so I'll turn instead to two of the Giants, Popeye the Sailor man who said :
"Tha's all I can stands, and I can't stands no more!"
and Bluto Blutarsky whose admittedly paraphrased words resonate particuarly at this moment:
"Darbyshire, he's a dead man. Driesen? Dead!, Kapp? DEAD!"
Bring your snowshoes on Sunday boys. We'll be waiting..."
This broadside having failed to elicit a response on the part of the Villagers, the Manor speculated:
":Perhaps they're spending their time on strategy? Conditioning? Skills? Manners?
So many deficiencies. So little time...."