June 2013

No Sox? No Problem

Left To Their Own Devices at Lunch, BLOHARDS Muddle Through
Duffy Kills With Slideshow

Gaffes kept to bare minimum

If Koji Uehara wanted his name pronounced right, he should have called himself "Ed Smith".

The Ray Duffy-narrated Henry Berry Memorial Slide Show set a new standard for insightful mirth. Among the highlights:
  • Duffy noted that "A number of publications named the 2012 Sox as 'The Team to Beat'…and it seemed everybody did!";
  • While it was observed that Mike Carp was no Mike Trout, Sox fans are nevertheless grateful that he succumbed to the lure of Fenway inasmuch as his play has often tipped the scales in Boston's favor;
  • 2013's competent pitching is a nice change from last year when starting pitchers seemingly went to the mound in shower caps and the Fenway grounds crew dragged the warning track each night after the bottom of the fifth inning;
  • The Yanks were described as being so old that "The umpires require a doctor’s note before the team is allowed to attempt a hit-and-run.";
  • Apropos of A-Rod's involvement with a Florida "anti-aging" clinic, Duffy observed that "a quick look today at our membership and executives in attendance should assure you that no BLOHARDS are even remotely involved in 'anti-aging' activities of any kind";
  • Without necessarily commenting on his girth, Duffy recalled that before Yanks ace CC Sabathia' gave up eating Cap'n Crunch in 2011, his cereal bowl had its own lifeguard. We were also told that CC visited the Ralph Lauren tent during Fashion Week and asked if he could try it on;
  • Finally, Duffy noted that Josh Beckett had been disabled by the Dodgers with finger numbness and a groin strain, which he (Duffy) said "we trust are unrelated injuries".

Playwright Talks Johnny Baseball

Williamstown run up next for Sox-themed musical

Richard Dresser, who's written a number of well-received plays, spoke at lunch about "Johnny Baseball", his take on the so-called Curse of the Bambino. A longtime Sox fan, in his play Dresser tells the story of three orphans, one of them Babe Ruth, and the race-infused interactions between them that doom the Bostonians to decades of futility.

Reviewed by Variety as "a clean line drive straight into center field… that even a Yankee could love", the play is set for performances at the Williamstown Theatre Festival from July 24 to August 3.

More here.

Sox Tix 6/30

Chuck Chinzi has four seats to the Sox' 1:30 tilt against the Jays on Sunday June 30. They're four rows behind the Jays' dugout, and he's looking to move them at face value of $135 each. If you're interested, why not drop him a line?

Why does senility get such a bad rap?

It's moving the merchandise...

Among the many factors contributing to the dismal outlook for the BLOHARDS merchandising effort, the organization's rapidly aging and non-replenishing membership base has loomed large. After all, it's pretty difficult to sell stuff to people who've had the previous opportunity, lunch after lunch after lunch, to buy it.

This being true, the sales boomlet we experienced at our most recent lunch was perplexing until we realized that a substantial cohort of the membership has reached the stage where it doesn't remember that it already owns three "Next Year" t-shirts. Diminished critical faculties probably aren't hurting sales either. Based on this development, we're cautiously optimistic that we'll ultimately sell the balance of our inventory if the typical BLOHARD can just make it to 134 before, uh, deceasing.

If you're feeling especially forgetful today, maybe you'd like to peruse our stock of quality merchandise?

Cosgriff Represents, Sirius-ly Early
As the only BLOHARD awake before 10 a.m. on Saturday, June 1st, Joe Cosgriff took one for the team and sat for an interview with Ed Randall and former Sox star Rico Petrocelli on Sirius/XM's MLB Network. Joe talked about the origins of the club and about attending games at the old Yankee Stadium with BLOHARD founder Jim Powers. ("They threw mostly coins and pretzels at day games but upgraded to batteries at night. So...we found ourselves gravitating to day games.") Joe also recalled classic moments from luncheons, including Marty Barrett sharing Bobby Grich's word-for-word profanity-laced response to the then-rookie Barrett's atempt to pick Grich off with the hidden-ball trick.
Good Time Reportedly Had By All

It was a jubilant group of BLOHARDS that gathered last Friday for lunch at New York's storied Yale Club. The Sox were in first, the Yanks had dropped four in a row to the Mets, and early reports from the kitchen on the Tomato Bisque were encouraging. Following the traditional John Pizzarelli-led singing of "Take Me Out To the Ballgame", and a spontaneous (and enthusiastic) recital of "Meet the Mets", BLOHARD Assistant to the Assistant VP - Latin American Scouting (ex Venezuela), Joe Cosgriff took to the dais.

Cosgriff observed, among other things, that Jacoby Ellsbury had been playing an aggressive center field, and in fact, that "if he were any shallower he'd be dating a model". The highly productive Mike Napoli's reworked contract was described as having gone from "three years for a lot of money to one year and a company match on the 401(k)". Wrapping up, Cosgriff mentioned with some urgency a major correction in his and co-author John Pizzarelli's recently published book World On a String: "In the chapter on skydiving, please change the line in parentheses that reads, 'Sentence to follow' to 'PULL THE RIPCORD'."

Cosgriff was followed on the program by Pizzarelli in the guise of Carnac the Magnificent who magically discerned the answers to questions he had never seen before. Among the better ones:
A:Das Boot
Q:What will David Phelps get if he again goes only 1/3 of an inning in his next start?
A:The furnace, a ping pong table, and Ray Duffy on his prom night
Q:Name three things with more time spent in the basement than the Chicago Cubs.
A:Revenge of the Pink Panther
Q:How does Wally explain the rash on his thighs?
Q:What do you get if you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?
A:Forty two chickens and 897 pees
Q:What was the poultry tally for today's lunch and the number of men's room visits for Opening Day Bus #1?
A:$2.5 million a pop
Q:What did the Sox pay for Joel Hanrahan's elbow?
A:Perfectly straight and eminently hittable
Q:What are (i) the supposed sexual makeup of every major league baseball team, and (ii) Ivan Nova?

Fersko Blows Up!

Somehow, between working in the dramatic arts and rooting the Sox home to victory, our old pal Charlie Fersko has managed to squeeze in a nascent comedy career. This Friday, June 7, he's got a few minutes at the Metropolitan Room at 34 W. 22nd St at 9:30. Call 'em beforehand and say you're coming (212) 206-0440. More gigs to come, which you can probably learn about by following @tiggercharlie on Twitter.

A Timeless What?
Maybe it's just us, but the Yankees have always seemed like the guy who tries to cover up a fundamental insecurity by insisting that everything be "classy". A recent example is afforded by their current slogan: "A Timeless Legacy", or, rather,


The thing about "ATL" is that it doesn't mean anything. A "legacy" is a bequest in a will, or a gift from the past. "Timeless" means eternal. The most generous interpretation of ATL is thus that it is an eternal gift from the past. It is difficult to know what this is. It is even more difficult to know in what sense the Yankees are one.

Anyhoo, maybe it's time for a contest: Who can come up with the best new slogan for the Yanks? Winner gets a BLOHARDS baseball Jersey. Second place gets two. We dibs the following ideas:

  • "A Tradition of Coveted Gravitas";
  • "Insubstantial Bombast - Now and Forever.";
  • "Excellence in Sloganeering"; and, maybe our favorite...
  • "A Legless Timeacy"

Email yours in today!

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Pizz Does Carmona, Lackey; Randall Does Prostates

Heroic Troubadour Fills In For DFA'd Wilson

The Red Sox travelling party was conspicuously absent at our most recent lunch, in evey case for a good reason. Dave O'Brien, who would normally have interviewed a Sox player was detained at a business lunch, while Alex Wilson who normally would have been that player was on his way to Pawtucket. In their absence WDHA's Jim Monaghan interviewed "Fausto Carmona", who bore a striking resemblance to John Pizzarelli, and who had been especially called up from Round Hill, (CT) of the BBB- League for the occasion. Having prepared for an interview with Wilson, Monaghan dedicated much of his time to ascertaining that Carmona was not, in fact, any of the world's somewhat prominent Alex Wilsons. It was funnier than it sounds.

Pizz, if that's actually his name, also premiered a new song "Lackey's Back in Town" which was sung to the tune of Mack the Knife. It is reproduced in its entirety below: (Copyright 2013, BMI/MPAA)

Oh the park has
Crazy teeth, dear.
And it has the Monster Green.
Throw your slider down the middle,
And your ERA can soon hit 17.

You know the park bites
With its teeth, dear.
Wind blowing out, a growing sense of dread.
Decent pitchers have come through here,
But when they left, not only their socks were red.

Poor Scott Bankhead
Bucky Brandon,
Casey Fossum, Dennis Lamp, and Charlie Zink.
They all played here, and they paid, dear.
For throwing one too many sinkers that didn't sink.

I said Charlie Wagner,
Sonny Siebert,
Look out for Mr. Robinson Checo,
Hal, Mace, and Michael Brown
Just keep goin', look who's throwin'
The guy is getting outs - Ol' Lackey's back in town.

So keep Chuck Rainey
And Dutch Leonard.
Paxton Crawford, Galen Cisco, Jamie Brown.
Stop your bitching
‘bout our pitching,
Now that Lackeeeeeeeeey’s
Back in town. Back in town.
Look out, ol’ Lackey’s back!

Later in the program, Ed Randall, broke a BLOHARD exclusive, namely that, after having publicly announced her internet-driven search for eligible dating partners between the ages of 50 and 70, Martha Stewart had been contacted by no fewer than four active Yankees. Randall went on to describe his ambitious plans to visit over a hundred minor league ballparks this season as part of his onging effort to promote prostate cancer awareness. Citing a series of scary statistics he urged all fans to vist www.fans4the cure.com to learn more about getting tested for prostate cancer and/or volunteering to help.

Flavin Flies

Recites, Reminisces, Charms

Long-time BLOHARD and recently-appointed part-time Fenway Park PA announcer Dick Flavin did more than sing for his lunch. He recited poetry, recounted touching stories of his friendship with Ted Williams and gave an inside view of his job as announcer. He can be seen reciting his poem "Long Live Fenway Park", albeit before a different audience, here. In another poem, he recounted kissing Ted Williams, then near death, on the cheek. We're given to understand that the actual kiss was on the forehead, but that artistic license was taken owing to the paucity of words that rhyme with forehead.

Standing Your Ground in a Battleground State

CT Sox license plate ideal way to fly the flag

It turns out that for a piddling $115 Connecticut residents can get the ultimate accessory for their car; an official Red Sox license plate. Not only that, but $50 of the cost goes to the Red Sox Foundation which will use the dough to provide scholarships for Connecticut students. Not only that, but you'll make your Yankee-fan-neighbor's blood boil every time he sees you pull out of the driveway. Good. The guy's a jerk anyway.

Details here.

Next Up...
Lunch Friday, September 6, again at the Yale Club. Get your tickets now.