|Ho, Hum, Another Home Opener, Another Big Win
From Beyond Grave,
Undaunted by the prospect of a frigid New England evening, separation from loved ones on a holiday, or the mighty Yankees, a doughty band of BLOHARDS decamped to Boston at 3:00 PM on Easter Sunday, Fenway-bound on a pair of Peter Pan buses. Their faith was rewarded with a stirring comeback win against the Bastids and their pot-bellied portsider, Sabathia.
The pre-game ceremony was highlighted by Petey throwing out the first pitch, and a stirring rendition of the Herb Brooks miracle speech by 5-year old Joshua Sacco. If you haven't seen it, you really oughta. (Parenthetically, would it be unkind to observe that young Josh looks like maybe he's more fun to watch on You Tube than to have around the house 24/7? If so, disregard the thought.)
Round about the fifth inning, with the good guys down 5-1, the classic Jackson Five song "I Want You Back" played on the PA system. Your correspondent, already hoarse owing to a torrent of derision directed towards the Yanks' lumbering lefty, and -let's stipulate- no
Youk knocked the sagging southpaw out of the game with a stirring triple, then the pen (other than RamRam) shut the Evil Ones down, and little Dusty Pedroia (don't your just want to pinch his cheek?) hit a homer to tie the game for the last time. It was untied on a Posada passed ball and iced by a Pedroia line drive single, the soundtrack for the entire thing being an increasingly discordant "...Oooh baby, I was blind to let you go (let you go baby), now that I see you in his arms I want you back".
In light of the Sox' subsequent travails, it might reasonably be asked why this mighty weapon for good has not again been unsheathed. The answer is simple; the toll taken by opening day's exertions, while unlamented, was substantial. Happily this reporter is currently able to draw breath through his mouth with only moderate discomfort and, in good time, we may expect that the words of Jacksons as sung by an agitated "Tickle Me Elmo" will again strike terror in
|The Further Adventures of Meryl P.
Chapter 23, in which our heroine is victimized by base perfidy and embarks on a career in ticket brokerage...
For recently-inducted lifetime BLOHARD member Meryl Pearlstein the tapestry of life has indeed been richly woven of late. Firstly, we have the matter of the opening day sting. A perpetrator -described as being in her late 20s or 30s with brown hair and a medium build- cleverly insinuated herself into Meryl's confidence over the course of several innings and then "kindly" volunteered to bring Meryl a hot dog and a beer on a trip for provisions. Instead, she and an undescribed male accomplice absconded with the proffered $20, leaving a sober, hungry and rueful Meryl in their wake. The BLOHARD Major Frauds Task Force is currently investigating. Photographic and other evidence relevant to this case may be submitted anonymously to email@example.com.
If that weren't enough, Meryl also finds herself owning tickets to an event she can't get to, while lacking them for one she would like to attend. Specifically, she's got some ducats for the August 14
Schedules Are In!
You need never be surprised again by an Opening "Day" 8:05PM game with your handy wallet-sized, laminated, official BLOHARD-issue Red Sox 2010 schedule. Free with a membership or lunch ticket.
In Case You Hadn't Noticed...
we're not exactly drowning in scintillating material over here. If you've got anything good, we're all ears.
|May 17th Set For Vernal Gathering
Luncheon Marks Implementation of New Humor Gameplan
After a rigorous winter-long review, the BLOHARDS appear set to chart a new path in 2010. Specifically, the organization, having concluded that humor had become overpriced in the fan affinity organization market has implemented a more-cost effective "unhumor supression" strategy. Commenting on the new approach, Joe Cosgriff, BLOHARD Vice President for Derivatives Analytics explained: "Instead of trying to be funny, we think we'll get a bigger payback if we devote our resources to not being unfunny."
The new strategy will be inaugurated at the BLOHARD spring luncheon to be held on May 17th at Manhattan's storied Yale Club. Notwithstanding a somewhat bumpy ride experienced by the Red Sox following their adoption of a similar approach, Cosgriff expressed optimism, stating: "By minimizing not-humorous content, we feel that we can put together a competitive luncheon program at an affordable cost." Other observers, recalling such disastrous missteps as the organization's "disco demolition night" were less sanguine.
(See "Not Unfunny", page 5).
In the eighth inning, this guy named Sapphire or something sung a song about some girl. I can't really remember- I'd had a couple of beers. Anyway, people seemed to like it.